Ever the Same
by FateBelieverandGrandDelusions
Summary: AU MD. One’s left shattered and unwilling to love again. The other’s struggling to fulfill a promise made to her best friend. Despite the circumstances some things are ever the same.
1. This Is How A Heart Breaks

Title: Ever the Same  
Authors: Fate Believer and Grand Delusions  
Disclaimer: We don't own the characters. They belong to ABC and Shonda Rhimes.  
Rating: T (may be bumped up to M)  
Pairing: Meredith/Derek— hello! Did you see who was writing this?  
Summary: One's left shattered and unwilling to love again. The other's struggling to fulfill a promise made to her best friend. Despite the circumstances some things are ever the same.  
Author's Note:  
This is an alternate universe. Being such, here are the groundrules:  
Meredith has been aged to the same age as Addison, Derek, and Mark. However, the rest of the interns are the same age as in the show.  
Flashbacks are in italics.

This amazing idea was Fate Believer's brainchild, but we quickly both became very attached to it as the plot was fleshed out and our AU versions of the characters became fully realized. The plan is for it to be twenty chapters long with all those GA characters we know and love, but in very different circumstances. Of course, since this is us, it will be a Mer/Der and there will be a fair amount of angst.

Oh, and we love reviews.

**Ever the Same**

-x-

This was not happening.

Meredith was having a nightmare. There was no other plausible explanation. This was a horrible nightmare. Any second she would wake up. Mark would be snoring softly beside her and she'd pick up the phone and dial a number she knew by heart. Her best friend would irritably answer the phone, chiding her for being woken at such an hour. Then Meredith would tell her all about this horrible nightmare and she would laugh for worrying so much.

Her best friend, under no circumstances, would be lying in the casket just a few feet away.

This could not be happening.

She pinched herself hard and winced when she felt the pain shoot to sore skin.

This was not a dream. This was reality.

Meredith could hear the melodic rise and fall of the minister's baritone voice, but she couldn't concentrate on his words or what he was saying. All she could focus on was the fact that her best friend lay in the dark mahogany casket before her.

Derek sat to her left and Mark on her right. She turned to Derek and watched the man she'd known for thirteen years struggling to maintain his composure. He tried, but he was failing miserably. He sat straight up, simply staring into nothing. His eyes were hallow and red from days of crying. Meredith imagined her eyes looked just like his.

This wasn't supposed to happen. It wasn't supposed to be like this. Addison wasn't supposed to be dead.

She was supposed to give birth to a beautiful and healthy child that Meredith could spoil rotten.

It was never in the plan that Addison wouldn't be around to raise the child.

-x-

"_That better not be ju-ju I see in your hand, Addie," Meredith called out teasingly to her friend and colleague when she saw her standing at the nurse's station._

"_Relax, Dr. Grey. It's just herbal tea. Besides, I think you and Derek have threatened any person in the general vicinity of this hospital with bodily harm if they sell me anything with the slightest bit of caffeine," Addison pouted, rubbing her very swollen pregnant belly with one hand and holding her drink and the other._

"_Good. I don't want you getting my future godchild addicted to caffeine before she's even born. Besides, it'll stunt her growth," Meredith said as the pair headed down the hallway._

"_I miss my chocolate," Addison sighed, taking a sip of tea, then frowning. "This is not the same."_

"_Hey, I promised your husband to keep you away from any and everything you shouldn't be having. And knowing you, once you have the hot chocolate, you're bound to try spiking it with coffee," Meredith laughed._

"_Mmm… Mochas. I miss those too."_

"_I bet you do," Meredith laughed at her. "And you wonder why I'm supposed to keep you away from hot chocolate. You're incorrigible."_

"_Right," Addison rolled her eyes. "No wonder you're so paranoid— I think that's what happened with you. Your mother wouldn't lay off the coffee, that's why you're so short," Addison smirked at her. _

"_Well of course I'm short next to you. I don't think you own a pair of shoes that have heels under five inches," Meredith tossed back._

_Addison laughed and then let out a sigh, glancing down at her current pair of shoes._

"_God, I'll be so happy when I can wear them again. My feet swell too much for me to even think about trying to put them on," Addison glanced down at her feet, wiggling her toes in the thick clogs._

_Meredith's eyebrows furrowed as she looked at her friend. "What are you doing here anyways, Addie? Waiting for Derek?"_

"_No, Derek's tied up in surgery all afternoon. I have a Cesarean scheduled in an hour." _

"_Chief is actually letting you perform surgery this close to your due date?" Meredith's eyebrows shot up._

_Addison stopped walking and spun around to face Meredith, annoyed. _

"_I wish you and Derek would realize that I am pregnant, not incompetent," she snapped._

_Meredith turned to tell her that she and Derek were just worried. But before she could force out the words, Addison swayed, eyes clouding over. She teetered and swung her arm out, grappling for something to brace herself against. Meredith grabbed her by the arm, worried and frantic._

"_Addie? What's wrong? Are you dizzy?"_

"_I don't..." Addison's voice trailed off, never finishing her sentence as she was crumpled to the ground. Meredith caught her before she hit the ground, yelling out she need a stretcher._

-x-

_Twenty minutes later, Meredith paced nervously around the room as Addison was examined. Addison had assured her when she regained consciousness that Meredith didn't need to stay, but she refused to leave._

"_I'm sorry, Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd. We're going to have to deliver this baby immediately. Call for an O.R., tell them we need it now," the doctor instructed his intern._

"_Now? But the baby's not due for another five weeks," Addison argued. _

"_You promised you would take it easy, Dr. Shepherd. I warned you that this could happen with your condition," the doctor explained, immediately putting Meredith on alert._

"_Condition? What condition? Addison you said everything was fine after your last check-up," Meredith said worriedly. _

"_I didn't want to worry anyone. I didn't want anyone thinking that I wasn't capable of handling the situation myself," Addison defended weakly._

"_Not acceptable, Addie. This is about your health. Now, explain to me what the hell is going on," Meredith pleaded, growing more alarmed the more she heard._

"_I have a condition called pre-eclampsia. I've been getting shots to prolong being able to carry this child to term." _

"_Yes, but Dr. Mont—Addison," the doctor interrupted, "your pre-eclampsia has now progressed to full eclampsia. The longer you keep this child, the more danger you're putting yourself in. This baby has to be delivered today—now even."_

"_I'll page Derek," Meredith volunteered, trying to mask her fear for Addison and the baby._

"_Have a nurse page him. Stay with me, Meredith. Please," Addison begged, holding out her hand to Meredith. She looked terrified and it suddenly became painfully obvious to Meredith that she wasn't the only one afraid. She offered Addison a fake grin and took her hand. _

"_Where else would I be?" _

-x-

_It had never dawned on Meredith before how scary an operating room could be when you were in there as anything other than a doctor. Looking down at Addison who was laying down on the O.R. table, she decided she preferred being the one holding the scalpel. _

"_You know when I said I had a C-section in an hour, I didn't mean I'd be the one on the table," Addison joked._

"_I still can't believe you want to be awake for this. And I'm surprised you didn't try and tell them you'd do it yourself," Meredith grinned, gripping Addison's hand tighter._

"_Think I'd go in the record books for it?"_

"_Yeah. Under 'Craziest Woman Alive.'"_

"_Oh, you want to pick on the pregnant woman when she's getting cut open? That's real nice, Meredith." _

"_Hah. This will be one of the last times you'll get to refer to yourself as a pregnant woman. It will no longer be a valid reason for me not to pick on you." _

"_Damn." _

_Even though she was trying to keep up with their banter, Meredith could tell that this was taking a toll on her. Addison's forehead glistened from a layer of sweat and Meredith knew her friend felt helpless from the crushing stress of the situation._

"_So remember, you owe me twenty bucks if it's a girl," Meredith attempted to keep the mood light, even though both of them were terrified._

"_And I'm telling you, it's going to be a boy," Addison said._

"_Well, unless you cheated and looked, I'm holding firm with a girl. Besides, I'm always right." _

_Addison laughed, even though it came out more of a fearful sob. _

"_Don't worry, Adds. Derek will be here soon." _

_Addison said nothing, but she gripped Meredith's hand tighter. In a few moments it was over. The doctor was holding up a tiny, red-faced little girl for her and Addison to see. Meredith grinned down at her friend, only to see Addison smiling happily. _

"_Told you it'd be a girl," Meredith loved being right. _

"_Don't let it go to your head. You're not always right," Addison warned, even as they brought the baby over to rest against her chest. _

"_Welcome to the world, Brianna," she cooed at her daughter, stroking her cheek lightly. _

"_Brianna? You've been holding out on me. We've discussed fifty million baby names and never once was Brianna discussed," Meredith griped good-naturedly. _

"_Brianna Grace Shepherd," Addison smiled._

_The nurse took the baby away and Meredith could hear the doctors discussing something. Although Meredith couldn't make out the exact words, from the tone, she knew she didn't like what she was hearing. She looked down at Addison to see her face paling. The monitors she was hooked up to started beeping frantically, and the doctors sprang into action. A nurse tried to tell Meredith it might be best for her to go, but Meredith stood her ground, refusing to leave. Addison kept a tight grip on Meredith's hand and the front she had been putting up the entire time started to crumble. _

"_You have to promise me something, Meredith. Promise me you'll take care of her," Addison whispered desperately, her grip on Meredith's hand grew weaker._

_Meredith scoffed and shook her head, refusing to believe what was happening._

"_You're being ridiculous, Addison. The only person that will be taking care of that little girl is you."_

"_Promise me," Addison demanded, her voice raising slightly, her agitation apparent._

"_Okay, I promise," she relented. "Now calm down so we can get through this and then I can make fun of you later for being so melodramatic," Meredith soothed as she stroked her friend's forehead. _

_Meredith was unprepared for the seizure that wracked her friend's form. She stood there in a daze as the doctors around her started yelling. Her eyes darted to the heart monitor and she nearly passed out. Addison was flat lining. All of her medical training flew right out of her head and she stood, watching helplessly as her friend's life drained away. _

_Then, everything went hazy…_

-x-

Derek stared off into space, vaguely hearing the chords from the organ and the cacophony of voices around him singing the words to hymns. Words about heaven and salvation and a life after death… Words that were meant to comfort.

Instead, he felt nothing.

It was supposed to have been one of the happiest days of his life, second only to the day he married his wife.

His wife, who lay cold and dead in a casket. His wife who left him alone.

-x-

_Derek hung up the phone and hooked his pager back onto his waistband, quickly rushing to the Pediatric Wing._

'_Doctor Shepherd, your wife was admitted for an emergency Cesarean.'_

_Something was wrong. Addison wasn't due for weeks._

_But as Derek rounded the corner he spotted Meredith slumped in a chair against the wall._

"_Meredith?" Derek said, walking towards her, relief rushing over him like a wave. Meredith was there, which meant Addison was fine. Everything was fine and he had been worried over nothing._

_But Meredith didn't look at Derek, even as he stood towering over her. She simply continued staring into space._

"_Meredith?" he repeated, waiting for his wife's best friend to turn towards him and smile and tell him everything was fine. But Meredith didn't hear him and Derek felt his pulse quicken. He crouched down in front of the chair, his voice become broken and desperate, "Mer— Meredith, what's going on? Tell me what happened?"_

_The longer she continued to stare into the distance, the more frantic Derek felt himself become. He felt his stomach drop and his hands began to quiver. "Meredith, look at me," he commanded, growing increasingly panicked. When he received no response he put his hands on her shoulders, lightly shaking her. "Look… Meredith— look at me!" he pleaded._

_When she finally turned to him, her eyes were empty and hallow._

"_Doctor Shepherd?" a voice behind him called out. Derek's hands dropped to his sides and his stomach plummeted as he rose and turned to the doctor standing yards away. Derek knew the tone in his voice. That tone of steeled resolve and forced compassion. A tone Derek used when he gave family members the worst news imaginable._

_Oh God…_

"_Would you come with me please?"_

-x-

Derek was vaguely aware of Mark standing beside him, the best friend carefully leading his best friend and his fiancé down the aisle and away from the casket at the church's altar.

This wasn't real.

His wife was dead, and he was left with a child he had no idea how to care for.

This was a horrible mistake, or some sick joke.

This wasn't reality.

It couldn't be.

Mark clapped Derek on the back and asked him if he was okay, and he simply nodded, because he wasn't okay and everyone knew it. He was numb and he didn't feel anything. He felt numb. He felt dead. He wished he was.

"Derek?" a voice he recognized— his former teacher walked towards him and shook his hand.

"Doctor Webber," Derek mumbled in response.

"Richard," he corrected.

"Richard." Derek tried to smile, but it came out as a harsh grimace.

"Derek, if you ever need anything— anything at all, please let me know. There's an open invitation for you in Seattle."

"I appreciate that Sir."

Richard nodded before turning to Meredith. "That was a beautiful eulogy Meredith," he said, and she sniffed in response. "Addison was lucky to have a friend like you."

Derek stood silently while Mark and Meredith engaged Richard in polite conversation, only forcing himself to focus on their words when he heard the conversation shift from pleasantries…

"How's the child?" Richard asked Meredith.

"Brianna. She's…" Meredith trailed off. How could she possibly say that a child who's mother had died giving birth would be okay?

"She's going to be fine," Mark finished for her, casting an uneasy glance at Derek.

Fine… She'd be fine.

The child would be fine while his wife— his Addison had died.


	2. Something To Be

**A/N: Aubri and I want to thank you guys for all the support we got during the whole copy cat deal. This chapter has been done for a day or so, but we hesitated in posting because this story is our brainchild and we didn't want to see it stolen. Keep in mind that if you see this story anywhere but here, we did not put it there and please contact us immediately. Furthermore, a huge thanks for the feedback on this story so far. We hope you enjoy reading it as much as we are enjoying writing it! Reviews just help get the chapters up quicker :)**

Meredith threw back the comforter on the bed and padded across the floor of her and Mark's apartment. Mark slept soundly, but she knew it wouldn't be long before he noticed her missing and woke up. He always did. The nighttime was the only time she had time to think to herself. During the day she found herself constantly busied by work and trying to make sure Derek was doing okay. She had spent very little time to actually grieve for her own loss.

Her eyes lazily scanned the Manhattan skyline. Even at the early morning hour, the buildings still glowed. It truly was the city that never slept. Addison had loved this city, having been raised here her entire life and she was what caused Meredith to fall in love with it as well. When she'd first moved here for her internship, Addison had been the first friend she made. It wasn't long before the two were inseparable. On the days that they didn't belong to the hospital, Addie would take her around the city, showing her all the hot spots and the best places to experience the famous New York lifestyle. They had complimented each other well. Meredith, who'd been the party girl, was the exact opposite of Addison, who had been the bookworm band geek.

It had made sense for the two girls to live together, seeing as all of their free time was spent together. They'd picked out a decent sized bedroom apartment, even though they ultimately had little say in the final decision, because their mother's had to approve it first. Ellis Grey would not have her daughter living in a hovel and Addison's mom…well Meredith was fairly certain when the woman was still alive there wasn't anything Addison did that her mom approved of. It was ironic because while Addison didn't measure up to her own mother's standards, Ellis absolutely adored Meredith's best friend. Meredith sometimes wondered if they'd been swapped at birth.

Lost in her own thoughts, she didn't hear Mark get out of bed and nearly jumped out her skin when his arms wrapped around her waist from behind.

"Sorry, didn't mean to scare you. Still can't sleep?" Mark asked, his voice groggy with sleep.

"Too many thoughts running through my head to sleep right now," Meredith replied as she relaxed against him, her arms folding over his.

"I miss her too, you know. You can talk to me about it," he told her as his chin rested on her shoulder.

"I know. It's just hard you know?"

"Addie wouldn't have wanted you to be miserable, Meredith. She wouldn't want you to do this to yourself. She'd want you— she'd want us, to go on with our lives," Mark said softly.

Her hands began twisting the diamond ring on her finger, a habit that was born of nervousness. She knew where this conversation was headed and Meredith really didn't want to have it again. They'd had it too many times recently.

"I know that as well. It's just…would you want to get married if Derek wasn't there to stand up for you at your wedding?"

Mark was silent and she was well aware that he was trying to tactfully come up with an answer.

"Derek's been my best friend since we were kids. Of course I'd want him to be there when I'm getting married. I was there for him when he got married, but it also wouldn't be the end of the world if he couldn't be," he knew that answer wasn't going to appease her.

Meredith blinked back tears that threatened to fall, watching as the windows in a distant building grew dark.

"Addison and I planned this wedding together, Mark. I didn't do anything without her. Furthermore I'm not about to put her husband through that. It would just remind him of his own wedding and the idea is to help Derek get better, not push him further into the hole," Meredith snapped at him, even as the tears threatened to fall.

"Shh, baby. I'm sorry. You're right. It's not fair to ask that of Derek yet," he soothed, kissing the side of her head.

"Do you think he's going to be alright?" she twisted in his arms to face him and his blue grey eyes were glistening in the dark.

Honestly, he didn't know if Derek would ever be alright. How do you get over a loss like that? He'd tried to put himself in Derek's position, but hadn't been able to get past the thought of Meredith not being there in the mornings when he woke up. So he did the only thing he knew to do. He lied.

"Derek's going to be fine, baby. He's got the little one to look after now and that will help him through it," he responded, averting his eyes from hers.

Meredith knew he was lying, but she let it pass. It was a lie she desperately wanted to believe.

-x-

Somehow, she'd made it through her rounds. She wasn't entirely sure how because she hadn't fallen asleep until almost five that morning. Mark had led her back to bed after their conversation and tucked her in like one would do with child. Meredith knew she was being unfair to him by putting their lives on hold, but she honestly didn't even want to think about getting married after everything that had happened.

Mark didn't understand and she couldn't expect him too. When men got married it was different. Men didn't plan the wedding, they just had to show up. With women it was different. She and Addison had painfully plotted out every little detail of her wedding…together. Everything from the flowers to the invitations had been decided by the two of them, just like Addison's wedding had been. Meredith didn't know if she'd be able to stand there on her wedding day without Addison there to share in it. She didn't want to experience it without her best friend by her side.

Meredith shook her head. She knew she needed to stop thinking such morbid thoughts. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Dr. Clark, her resident passing by, and she caught him by the arm.

"I'm going to take off for a little while, so page me if you need anything alright?"

But by now no one asked where Dr. Grey disappeared to. The entire hospital knew if she wasn't working, she was up in the nursery, captivated by a tiny pink bundle. She'd done that every day since Addison died. For a while she hadn't been able hold her due to the fact that she was so little and she'd been brought into the world so early, but Brianna Grace Shepherd was a fighter. Meredith liked to think she had Addison's spirit. Besides, it was comforting to spend time with this little person that had been so important to her best friend. Addison had wanted a baby for so long and it was totally unjust that when she finally got what she wanted, she wasn't there to take care of her.

"It's good that you come by every day to see her," a passing nurse said to Meredith, and her head shot up.

"Excuse me?"

"Well, it's just," the nurse fumbled, "it's good that she's got you. You've been the only one to come see her."

"Doctor Shepherd hasn't been by?" Meredith's eyes grew wide and she looked down at the baby who slept peacefully in her arms.

The nurse sadly shook her head before leaving. Meredith rocked Brianna, feeling even more protective over the small child who had essentially been left alone in the world. It wasn't right or fair. Derek and Addison had tried so long for a child and now Brianna had no one— not even her own father.

-x-

Derek heard a knock at his door. Just like every day before when Mark or Meredith had stopped by to check on him, he turned back to his bottle of scotch and ignored them. They still had not gotten the message that he wanted to be left alone, but Derek knew after a couple of minutes of pleading, whoever stood on his doorstep would grow tried of pleading and leave.

"Derek? It's me. Open up!" Meredith's voice wafted into the room. Derek took another gulp of scotch, remaining rooted in his chair. "Derek, seriously, open the damn door!" she yelled, rapping her fist against the door. He sat waiting for the pounding to eventually stop. When it did, he released a sigh and raised the glass to his lips again, but then he heard the unmistakable sound of a key being inserted into the lock.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" she snapped as she slammed the door behind her, stomping into the room.

Derek looked at her, and she was struck by how broken and empty his eyes were. "Go away, Meredith," Derek mumbled, looking down at his wedding ring.

Meredith blinked, letting her eyes adjust to the dim light. She gasped in surprise as she surveyed the scene before her. The curtains of the spacious living room had been drawn tightly shut, blocking out the sun that usually streamed through the large windows. It felt like a desolate cavern. Empty bottles of scotch littered the side tables, leading in a broken trail to Derek, who lay sprawled on the sofa in a shirt in boxers.

"Get up," she hissed. And when Derek didn't move, Meredith wiped away furious, angry tears and stormed over to the windows, ripping back the curtains and flooding the room with sunlight. After she had pulled back the curtains from the row of windows she whirled around facing Derek as he squinted against the harsh light. "Get up!" she commanded, starting towards him. She tripped over an empty bottle lying on the floor.

"Dammit Derek, get up!" she yelled, grabbing the scotch from his hand and dumping the bottle's contents into the kitchen sink. "I can't believe you're in here getting yourself drunk. We're supposed to be at the hospital in an hour to pick up your daughter. Remember, Derek?" she shot a glare at him while she began collecting the empty bottles from the floor. "Mark's got the car parked outside," she continued, "so get up, and get ready."

"Leave me alone," Derek groaned, throwing his arm over his eyes. Meredith didn't understand— no one did. The home he and Addison had spent so much time together felt empty. Life felt empty and Derek was sick of going through the motions. All he wanted was to be left in peace with the memories of when he and Addison were happy— before she had learned she was pregnant and the child had killed her. "You don't understand. You have no idea what I'm feeling," he said.

Meredith's jaw dropped and she fought the urge to slap him. He was grieving and she knew that, but it didn't make his behavior any less offensive. Someone needed to get through to him.

"Do you seriously think drinking yourself into a coma is a good way to honor Addie's memory?"

"Oh, would you prefer I be like you and go on with my life like nothing's wrong?" Derek sneered at her.

"You lost your wife. But I lost my best friend, and I don't want to feel like I have to keep score with you on who's hurting more," Meredith whispered so lowly and fiercely that it might have been confused with a growl. "Just because I don't show it the same as you do, don't you assume for one minute that I'm not hurting too."

Meredith received no response, just an angry glare in her direction. However, Derek slowly rolled to his feet, walking away to the bedroom. After a minute Meredith heard the shower running.

-x-

The nurse handed the baby to Meredith. Brianna's eyes lit up with recognition as Meredith cooed over her. Derek avoided watching the scene and hastily scribbled his signature on the papers. He had dreaded this moment for weeks now and it was finally here. He would have to take this child home with him and pretend like he actually gave a damn what happened to her. For a moment, he considered calling the adoption agency and just making his problem disappear, but Meredith's words about honoring Addie's memory came back to him and Derek knew that Addison would never forgive him for it. It would just make her sacrifice in vain.

"So is that everything?" Derek asked the nurse, turning his back to Meredith and the child.

"Yes," she answered, sparing him a sympathetic glance before she rushed off. Derek hated how they all looked at him now. Before he was given looks of admiration and respect, now it was pity, but that was nothing to the things they said when they thought he couldn't hear. 'Well at least he still has his daughter.' They couldn't have been more mistaken. None of them understood that Derek would gladly trade this baby for his wife back. He could only imagine what they would think of him then.

"Here Brianna," Meredith smiled, walking towards Derek. "Here's your Daddy. See your Daddy?"

Derek thought the entire display was sickening and he was about to open his mouth to share that with Meredith when she slipped the child into his arms. He stood there frozen, looking with wide eyes at Mark for help. He couldn't move. He couldn't do anything but simply exist there holding a child he didn't want. Meredith shifted his hands so that he would cradle the baby properly, but Derek still wouldn't look down at the weight in his arms.

"Derek, look at your daughter," she insisted.

Reluctantly he finally looked down.

Her skin was unnaturally pink and her eyes were shut as she slept soundly in his arms. Derek didn't need to see her eyes to know that they would look nothing like Addison's bright, sparkling eyes. A thick tuft of dark, wispy hair covered her head. Every one of the child's features screamed 'Derek' and nothing of his wife could be seen looking at her face. Maybe if she had looked more like his wife, Derek could've been moved to feel something towards her.

As Mark and Meredith accompanied him out to the car, Derek's only thought was that she didn't even have the decency to look like Addison.


	3. Call It Bent

**A/N: Okay, Lysa and I are incredibly sorry for the long delay. We took a slight break from this story. (And here I made the comment about 2 authors meaning updates twice as much.) But no worries, we're back at it now. Reviews are our crack, support the addiction.**

That afternoon, Meredith carefully handed the baby over to Mark, who disappeared in the direction of the living room. Meredith waiting until he left before rounding on Derek.

" What the hell were you thinking!"

Derek didn't answer and Meredith snatched him by the arm, dragging him into the nursery that was currently in a state of total destruction. The crib was turned over, as well as the rest of the furniture. The rocking chair lay on its side, the tread had broken off in the fall. Various items of baby clothing and toys littered the carpet like discarded confetti.

" Do you know how long your wife worked on this nursery? How she planned where each and every little thing would go? You coming in here like a bulldozer is a complete lack of respect for Addie, " Meredith hissed at him.

" In case you've forgotten, Addie is dead, " Derek stated flatly.

" Of course I haven't forgotten, but in case _you've_ forgotten, you have a daughter that needs you. You're all she has in this world, Derek, " Meredith answered softly.

" What about what _I_ need? Has anyone thought about that? " Derek retorted, voice laced with resentment.

Meredith fought the urge to scream.

" I know it's hard and it sucks beyond the telling of it, but you can't think about yourself right now. You have to think about what it is that Brianna needs. And she needs her father to take care of her. "

Derek simply glared at her.

" It's what Addie would want you to do Derek. She wanted a baby more than anything. "

" Look where it got her, " He said snidely.

It happened so quickly Derek didn't even know what was going on until his cheek started to sting and Meredith was rubbing a sore hand.

" Do not _ever _speak of Addison with that tone of voice again, " Meredith's voice was icy and it was then the feeling of shame started creeping over him. He heard her pad out of the room and he was left standing in the middle of the disaster he'd created.

-x-

It wasn't until a good thirty minutes later that he chanced venturing into the living room. Meredith was sitting in his favorite recliner with her feet up, the baby resting against her chest. Mark was nowhere in sight.

" I sent him to get diapers and formula. You didn't have anything here, " Her voice held an edge of accusation as she answered the question he hadn't asked.

Derek nodded as he slunk over to the couch and took a seat. Meredith could feel his eyes boring holes into the two of them. She expertly ignored him for as long as possible, still steaming over his harsh words towards Addison. Didn't he realize that she had lost her best friend? He wasn't the only one hurting over the way life had changed. They sat in silence, both trying to sort through their jumbled thoughts.

" Do you want to hold her? " Meredith asked suddenly, interrupting the quiet that surrounded them.

" I don't know. She's sleeping, and I don't want to wake her up, " Derek hurried to find an acceptable excuse, but Meredith was already on her feet and gliding towards him.

" Exactly. She's sleeping. It's the perfect time to hold her, " She reasoned as she shifted the baby in her arms, preparing to hand her off.

" No, I better not. I'll hold her when she's awake, " Derek was starting to panic as Meredith held the child out to him.

" Seriously, Derek, you need the practice. "

Then, all of the sudden, there was a fragile little person in his arms and Meredith was showing him the proper way to cradle her head. For a brief flash, Derek thought there was a possibility that he could maybe feel his heart warming, but the blissful moment was shattered as the baby began to stir. He hadn't had her in his arms for a full minute before she began fussing and ended up in an ear piercing wail.

Disgusted, he thrust the baby back into Meredith's arms, not listening to her assurances that it wasn't him, that the child just wasn't familiar with him yet. Meredith continued trying to explain, but Derek fled to the other side of the room. Turning his back on the pair, he gazed out the window, eyes burning, as he watched the city that never slept.

-x-

The tension was broken by the sound of the front door closing, and Derek turned to see Meredith retreating to the kitchen. When he reached them, he found Meredith rocking the baby while Mark unpacked the bags that lined the counters. They looked happy… like the happy family Derek had once thought he and Addison would've been a part of before the baby. And when Meredith walked towards Mark, Derek spotted the child watching him from over Meredith's shoulder and his jaw clenched. He quickly turned on his heels and quit the room.

Meredith's eyes met Marks and she bit her lip nervously.

"He's not taking this well," she sighed, stating the obvious.

Mark nodded and frowned. He had no idea on how to handle this situation. He simply continued pulling the formula out of the bag, setting the containers in even rows.

"Mark," Meredith said, taking a step closer to him, "I can't leave him here alone with her tonight. I would worry too much."

Mark's head jerked up. "You seriously think Derek would hurt his own daughter?"

"Right now, I don't know," Meredith confessed, looking down at the baby in her arms. "I just know I'm staying here tonight, whether he likes it or not."

Meredith wasn't sure what Mark's reaction would've been, but a thousand tense scenarios flitted through her mind, each one different than his actual response. Mark's head bobbed up and down, silently agreeing with her.

"Okay," he said finally. "I'll run by home and get our things."

Meredith's eyes widened. "You're staying too?"

"Mer, he's my best friend," he pointedly reminded her, his voice carried an undercurrent of hurt and he told her that she might need help. "After all, Brianna's not the only baby we'll be taking care of," he smirked.

-x-

Meredith slipped between the sheets that Mark had pulled back, careful not to jostle the tiny form sleeping soundly against her breast. She scooted over to Mark, getting as close as possible. His arm snaked out to drape across her stomach.

"You're really great with her," Mark praised and Meredith smiled in the dark.

"Thanks," she reluctantly whispered back. She hoped Mark would let it be and she squeezed her eyes shut, waiting for sleep to come.

"Do you want children?" Mark asked suddenly, shattering the silence. Meredith turned her head to face him, surprised by his question. They had never discussed children before. Hell, they had dated for half a decade before marriage was even mentioned. And Mark knew about her mother— about her childhood. Why would he bring up such a thing unless…

"Do you?" she squinted, trying to read his face.

"Of course I do, Mer," Mark confessed , reaching out to lightly trace a fingertip across the baby's cheek. "I'd love to have kids one day. I mean, you know as well as I do what it's like to be an only child. Honestly, I've always been jealous of Derek's family— all running around full of kids, something always going on. I'd love to have a family like that."

But Meredith had no answer. Truthfully, she didn't know what she wanted, or if she shared in Mark's vision of a house brimming with children. When Meredith Grey thought of the future, she didn't see a house with a white picket fence, she saw herself standing over an operating table, scalpel in hand. Children had never factored into the equation. But then again, neither had marriage until recently.

"Don't you want children, Meredith?" he shook her out of her thoughts. She peered up at him and found his eyes watching her intently.

"I don't know," she admitted. It was too soon to be talking about this. These were questions she would share with Addison, but not Mark. Tears pricked the back of her eyes. "Mark, we're not even married yet. Why are we talking about children?"

She felt Mark stiffen beside her. "We were supposed to have been married by now," he reminded her and Meredith swallowed hard.

"Mark…" she began, trying to change the subject. She knew where this was headed. It headed to the same question for weeks now.

"Meredith, why won't you agree to set a new date for the wedding?" And there it was. The question he'd asked countless times before. And just like every time before, Meredith still couldn't find an answer.

"I don't know, Mark," she answered honestly, staring up at the ceiling as if some explanation would appear etched against the smooth plaster expanse. "It's too soon," she said finally. "And I know you think I should be fine by now— I do, I know you think that. But it's too soon and there's too much going on now and I'm not ready."

She could feel Mark's eyes boring into her and she felt dizzy despite lying down. How could he understand her reasoning when she was unsure how to explain it?

"Are you ever going to be ready, Meredith?" Her head rolled over to look at him.

"What if I say no?"

Mark let out a sigh that sounded more like a groan and rolled over, his back facing her. He understood she was hurt and upset over Addison, but he knew her best friend wouldn't want her to put her life on hiatus. Everything had been falling into place and life had seemed so perfect. Now Mark could scarcely imagine what was going on or if anything would shake his fiancé from the cloud of depression that had seemed to follow her since Addison's death.

"Then I guess we're at an impasse."

"Yeah, I guess we are," Meredith whispered.


End file.
